I WILL Become Enlightened- Take Two

If I can’t meditate for ten days, surely I can do seven!

It was 6 years after The Great Vipassana Escape and I was living and working at home in Bermuda (have I mentioned I am from Bermuda?). I had recovered from the heartbreak that had ensued years earlier and I was doing all sorts of shamanic retreats and uncovering all kinds of fun things about myself. Remembering back to the “failed attempt” at silent meditation retreats I thought, I’m much wiser now and I’m sure I can do it on my own!

Also, I wanted to do it for myself.

My cousin Debbie had a little cabin on a secluded island in Bermuda. She agreed to me doing my own silent retreat there. I planned it out with my roommate Carola. She would drop me off by boat and I would do seven days. I would call every evening and let it ring 3 times so she knew I was alive and if I needed to pull the plug, she would come and get me.

The plan: two books only- a book on Buddhism and my journal to write in. I would meditate for 6 hours every day, read, write, swim and walk the island a bit. Instead of doing an elaborate meal-plan, I decided to do a fasting retreat. I had heard good things about the Master Cleanse which is a concoction of lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup in water. Some folks had cleansed for up to 30 days only drinking this mixture! Excellent. I took some oatmeal just in case I needed anything more. It felt right to minimize my intake of food for the week and cleanse both mind and body. I felt very optimistic.

Carola and I set off for my second attempt at enlightenment. She dropped me off and shook her head with a slight smirk as she reversed the boat. Translation: you’re freakin’ crazy, Erin.

I set myself up in the cabin and was very comfortable. My last meal was the night before and I was starting to have some hunger pangs. All normal, I thought and drank my concoction. You can only die from dehydration, I counselled myself, and I had plenty of water and was getting vitamin C (so I wouldn’t get scurvy!) and some carbohydrates in the form of maple syrup. What a perfect way to cleanse the body!

I meditated for a few hours that day, using the Vipassana technique of observing the breath passing the nostrils. In between meditation sits, I would walk up the path and sit on the rocks watching boats go by. A far cry from the “asylum walks” of the cold and damp Vancouver Island experience years earlier. This was perfect.

The night was quiet and almost eerie. I think I was the only one on the island and kept the lights low with everything locked so that no creeps would know I was there. I did my check-in call with Carola and then tried to get some sleep. The tossing and turning went on all night as did the noises outside the cabin. I spent the night trying to figure out if it was a rat or maybe a rogue lizard but I swear, someone was tapping on the window.

In the morning, there was no sign of anything human around the cabin or on the path so I put it down to the rodents disrupting my sleep. I took a great swim and did some writing.

Quite hungry now, it was difficult to meditate. I took a few more sips of my cleansing water and tried again to no avail. Maybe a walk would help. I headed up the hill and decided to explore the island a bit more. Spice trees, cedars, casuarinas and palmettos. It was so beautiful! I felt extremely grateful that I was able to be here on retreat. Internally smiling, I wandered down a different path to see if I could find the water on the other side.

As I pushed through a few palmetto trees, I came across a small graveyard. It looked like a pet cemetery with small headstones and they were old. I got closer and was able to read a few of them- 1856, died of yellow fever.

A very uneasy feeling fell over me. All of the headstones were names of military and navy officers, their wives and children who had died of yellow fever. I quietly moved back through the trees out of there to the path, feeling like the wind had dropped out of my sails. Up the hill, I must have taken the left instead of right and found another larger graveyard! Boer War prisoners of war.

Crap! What have I gotten myself into now? I’m sleeping next to how many distressed spirits?

I dove into the ocean, trying to wash off the thoughts of all of those who had suffered and died in pain who were resting nearby. A few boats went by and we waved to each other as per the unwritten rule in Bermuda: greet one another, or else!

That afternoon I resumed the meditation despite severe hunger pangs. Erin, you must ignore the sensation and focus on the breath- I was almost speaking out loud to myself now. My dreams of reaching my higher self were seeming more and more out of reach.

Another thing I was noticing was that I seemed to have developed pain in my mouth- like all of my teeth were hurting. Focus on the breath. Surely these minor sensations will go away. Keep coming back to the breath, Erin.

By the afternoon, my mouth pain seemed to be getting worse. This was super frustrating and I was tired. I pondered the situation. Maybe if I eat some oatmeal, things will feel better in my stomach and mouth. I sat on the dock with a bowl of oatmeal and ate slowly, savouring what would normally be an utterly bland meal.

The evening meditations were only slightly better. Toothaches and stomach aches plagued me.

I gave Carola the A-OK call and shut down for the night. After brushing my teeth, the pain resumed and with no Tylenol or Advil, I was out of luck. Oh wait, I thought, I am an acupuncturist and I can help myself! I used the end of a spoon handle to do acupressure on toothache points on my hands and a feet for a long period of time and things calmed down a bit.

Laying there and listening to the night outside, I waited without moving a muscle to see if there were any noises. Nothing. Exhaling a big “all clear”, I drifted off to sleep.

At who knows what time, the tapping began again and I woke with a start. I felt the fear in my teeth and was terrified to move so the only sensation I could feel was pain in the mouth. I lay there until it was light and then groggily moved around the cabin opening up doors and windows.

Brushing my teeth was agony and a dip in the ocean was not enjoyable. What the hell. I was grumpy and tired and in so much pain. Most of all I was disappointed because, only 2 days in, I was considering calling Carola for the 911 pick-up.

I gave it a few hours and completed a short meditation before I made the call. Carola picked up, “You done?”.

“Yep. I have a raging toothache, or teeth-ache actually,” I said, “I need to see my dad.” My father was one of Bermuda’s finest dentists.

Carola picked me up a few hours later. I got home and immediately made some hard boiled eggs and sprouted wheat toast, ate some fruit, took a shower and began to feel human. I did not tell her about the full-on ghost situation that had plagued me at night, but I did figure out the tooth pain before I bothered my dad with my strange case. After a few days of normal eating, the tooth pain disappeared entirely.

The ascorbic acid from the lemon juice in the concoction was breaking down the enamel on my teeth, making them ultra sensitive. Eureka!

It appeared that my path to enlightenment was to continue in some other form than retreating from the world in silence. I wondered what was next but was confident that it would not involve the Master Cleanse!

Thanks for reading,

Erin

P.S. Thank you to my friends and family for always humouring me when it came to my harebrained ideas. And in case you thought that this was the last of my attempts, surprise! Stay tuned.