Not ready or not for me?

The time I ran away from a Vipassana meditation retreat

It was the late 90’s and I was about 25. I was in, what I thought to be, my very best and last relationship. He was dreamy and smart and funny and philosophical and I was going to make this work! :)

One summer, he did a 10-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat and could not stop talking about how life-changing it was. He said I should do it.

“You need to do it,” is actually what he said.

It sounded like an ultimatum for our relationship and, even with the reddest red flag flapping me in the face, I quickly enrolled in one that would take place over New Year’s Eve. I was quite nervous about it but kowtowed to the simple fact that if I wanted this to work, I needed be on the same philosophical page as him.

My family thought I was legit crazy. I packed up after Christmas to take the ferry over to Vancouver Island. The weather was dreary. It was cold and damp as I pulled up to the retreat centre in my beige Honda Civic. Pushing through all the fear and really not wanting to be there, I went inside for the orientation. We watched a video and were told the rationale for meditating 8 hours a day (the goal being “full liberation”) and the rules including:

No making eye contact with others

Speak only to your instructor if you are having a difficult time

Don’t leave the centre

And others like no drinking or drugs, no sex, etc.

They closed the gate.

We were allowed to take short walks outside, but it was a gated area so it felt a bit like being in an insane asylum as we all walked in circles with our heads down.

I went to the cabin where there were 20 or so sleeping mats on the floor. Women were getting themselves organized and trying to not make eye contact. It was weird and difficult! But I can follow rules (sometimes).

The food was quite good- vegetarian fare- and we ate a lot especially at dinner because there was no snacking or any treats. At times during the first day, I felt quite chuffed with myself! Look at me go! I’m a real-deal meditator now. I am delving within and blowing through old karma at an amazing rate!

No sooner would I feel proud of myself that I would have a rough meditation session or start having a panic attack during my asylum walks.

I was no stranger to anxiety but panic attacks were new. I did end up speaking to the instructor on Day 2 about them. She gave me some simple breathing exercises to help calm the central nervous system. They didn’t really work but I kept at it.

Photo credit

By the end of Day 2 of 10, I was already dreaming of my escape. My meditations were now just imaginings of what fun things I could be doing with these days. He and I could be hanging out together and going for coffee, reading the New York Times and giving each other massages. Surely I don’t need to be here in this misery! What am I doing here?!

The meditations were hard and the anxiety was starting to creep into all aspects of my time there. It wasn’t just me having physical struggles however. Some women were vomiting, others crying. Men were looking distraught. Is this a valuable endeavour? It shouldn’t be this hard, should it?

I was also quite accustomed to comforting people and it seemed inhumane to me to not be putting my hand on the shoulder of the woman in tears or to hold the hair back of the woman vomiting. This whole thing just felt wrong.

Day 3. My walks were no longer head-down. I was keenly observing all the deficiencies in the fence while plotting my impending escape. During meals, I was not afraid to look around anymore. I was rebelling and making all kinds of eye contact (with the other rebels). We are human, for fucks sake! We need connection.

The rebellion felt good but I still couldn’t shake the panic and anxiety. I was awake all night; scared to continue, scared to leave. What would he think of me? A failure. A loser. Not enlightened enough. Not ready to face myself head-on.

When the gong struck 4am we were supposed to sit in bed and meditate on our own. Some people did lying-down meditation, a.k.a sleeping. I was wide awake and reviewing my plan.

When everyone left for the breakfast hall, I packed my stuff and raced out the back door, invigorated. I hopped the fence, got in my car and with heart pounding, drove away. At the ferry, I was stunned that I had actually left and called the retreat centre to let them know that I wasn’t ready and would try again someday.

Was it that I wasn’t ready? Or was this type of intensive just not for me?

And of course, the most obvious question- who was I doing it for?

We all require different things for healing. Some people need to process out loud. Others do well with praying for guidance. Many do well with plotting a course out on paper and others need to talk and sort their way through fine details. And for some, this type of Vipassana retreat can offer invaluable healing. I was not weak. I did not fail. I simply realized that my method of healing needed to be done in a balanced way over a longer period of time.

I will delve into the 5-Element constitutions in upcoming writings where I talk about what a Water constitution needs, an Earth, etc. In the meantime check out this article

25 years later, I still have not done a 10-day silent meditation retreat. I never say never though and have continued to use the Vipassana meditation technique (when I meditate for 15 minutes twice/week!). Many people have completed and gained much insight from doing the 10-day silent meditation. There is a dark side though and there have been reports of people going into depression and even cases of suicide following the retreat. So the bottom line is, don’t rush into it. Perhaps start with meditating on a daily basis for a while and work up to a 3-day silent retreat before doing the Vipassana 10-day.

Thanks for reading!

Erin

P.S. When I got back and surprised the dreamy boyfriend with my early return, he did think I had failed and quite soon after that, he broke up with me. It turned out to be the best thing ever! And that’s another story….