Menobattical

Let’s have a mid-life reset instead of a crisis.

Last year, I turned the big 5-0 and a few months later hit a level of exhaustion that I’d never experienced before.

The years leading up to turning 50 were beyond stressful, I won’t lie. I came out of the closet (for the third and final time!), my marriage ended, my partner and I blended families and moved 4 kids in together, COVID-19…Oh, and I started a new business!

So it’s not surprising that after holding it all together for those 4 years, I started to crumble. I couldn’t sleep. I was dizzy. I was crying all the time (even though I was happy). I couldn’t recover from colds or flus. I had physical symptoms I’d never had before and add perimenopause to all of this! The fatigue was crippling. I used caffeine and chocolate to survive. Wine had become a stress-reliever that I “needed”. It was uppers and downers.

I truly was falling apart and it wasn’t just physical. It was emotional and spiritual as well.

Up until that point, I had built a pretty good toolbox. I was a nutritionist so knew what to eat (with the odd fried chicken event thrown in), I was specialized in Chinese Medicine so knew how to “fix” myself, I knew how to meditate, do Qigong, exercise…everything. And nothing was helping. I simply could not regain my balance.

I said to my partner one day, “I think I need to just stop.”

“Stop what?” She said.

“Everything. I need to reset my entire body, mind and spirit.”

Her face said, “How the f@*% are we going to do that?”

We started having conversations about how we could possibly make it work. She knew that I was not kidding and desperately needed off the hamster wheel for a while. But with four kids, a new business, an uncertain economy and all of the other reasons, it was a really bad time to be making this request.

My body kept telling me, however, almost in an ultimatum kind of way. Stop, or else.

So we met with the accountant, played with numbers, had more heartfelt conversations and figured out that I could take off five months with minimal disruption. We made the plan that I would take a sabbatical starting after Spring Break and would return to work after Labour Day. Also in the spirit of minimizing disruption, I decided to work one day per week and see priority patients (cancer patients, pain cases, mental health).

We made arrangements and changed all of the schedules. One of the goals I had been trying to accomplish for many years was to write a course for acupuncturists on my area of specialty- integrative oncology. As I prepared for my sabbatical, this goal was front and centre in my mind. Ideally, I would finish writing the entire course over the five months.

My other goal was to get back in shape! For someone who used to run several times a week, I could not continue to be such a sloth! And as one of my dear aunts so lovingly and eloquently put it, “Erin, you don’t want to be a big, fat lesbian!”

Wow, thanks, Auntie M!

I started planning how my time off would look. I would be disciplined. I would wake up at 5am, do my meditation and Qigong practice, journal, walk or run, and then I would spend at least 6 hours per day writing and preparing. I would quit chocolate and wine and cut my caffeine intake in half. I would go to therapy, work on my emotional state and heal from having lived as the small version of my self for 30 years.

So three months in, with all of these lofty goals, here are the things I have learned:

1.  We only have so much energy. At different stages in life, our focus shifts and this means that energy expenditure must also be divided up differently. Some things naturally take a back seat for a while. The focus may be on career, other times it’s on our physical body, or the health of the kids. This is especially true for women. When I look at my last 30 years, the balance looks something like this:

• 20-25 years old: 40% physical body, 20% career, 20% finding “the one”, 20% friends and partying

• 25-30 years old: 40% career, 40% physical body, 10% finding “the one”, 8% spiritual development, 2% friends and partying

• 30-35 years old: 40% career, 30% physical body, 20% spiritual development, 8% finding  “the one”, 2% friends and partying

• 35-40 years old: 50% the babies, 20% surviving baby and toddler stage, 10% career, 10% physical body, 5% relationship, 5% friends

• 40-45 years old: 50% the kids, 20% career, 20% physical body, 5% relationship, 5% friends

• 45-50 years old: 35% the kids, 35% surviving divorce and moving, 10% surviving COVID, 10% relationship, 5% career, 5% redeveloping the relationship with my self.

So in the last five years, you will notice that I had no time to nurture friendships. Nor did my physical body get much attention. But the kids are great, I managed to get through COVID mostly unscathed, and I started to know and trust my self better than I ever have before. To me these are much greater wins than my favourite size 6 jeans ever fitting again!

2.  Spiritual practices are always available and shouldn’t be strictly scheduled. Some days when my alarm goes off at 6am, my body says “hard no” and I just keep sleeping. This listening in to what my body needs is a glorious practice in itself.

3.  Chocolate is delightful and should not be shunned.

4.  Coffee is also pure happiness. I do limit myself to one coffee and try to wait until mid-morning to have it. Trying to nourish and hydrate the system in the first few hours of the day is beneficial in so many ways as this is the optimal digestive time in Chinese Medicine.  I bagged the afternoon tea and interestingly, this has contributed to more energy in the late afternoon and improved sleeps.

4.  My relationship with wine has shifted on its own without a black and white decision to quit or not. No longer do I feel like I “need” a glass of wine. In a sense, the needing of the wine is exactly when one might want to think twice about indulging in it. Also with perimenopause, to which many of you can attest, our systems simply cannot handle alcohol. We get more migraines, suffer with insomnia, and generally feel lousy with any booze at all. Let’s invest in the “mocktail” market, my friends!

So instead of the mid-life crisis at 50, I think that everyone- but especially women- deserve to take a pause. The word “menopause” has Greek roots and marks the end of monthly menstrual cycles. Perhaps the “pause” in menopause was not only meant to be the stopping of menses, but was also an invitation for women to take a breather.

The term “sabbatical” is generally used when a teacher or professor takes a year off from teaching. This is usually a paid leave and they are expected to be writing or researching. Origins of the word point to the “sabbath” which means “day of rest”.

I’m terming it the “menobattical” and with any luck it will be trending by next year! :) (If you have a better name for it, please comment below!)

The menobattical is a pause for the 50-ish year-old woman to reset her body, mind and spirit. It’s looking back to see how much you’ve accomplished. It’s looking at who you are now and how you want the rest of your life to be. It’s long walks or 100 Steps. It’s books and tea in a hammock. It’s deep breathing and sleeping. It’s peace at the cellular level.

Quite possibly, the menobattical may contribute to lower cancer, autoimmune and heart disease rates. Perhaps the government should mandate the 6-month paid leave or menobattical for a few years and observe the statistics!

Folks, it is also not lost on me that I am extremely fortunate to be able to have taken this time for rest and reflection. My circumstances and a very supportive partner made it possible. What is the ideal length of time for a menobattical? I don’t know but so far, my sense is that 3 months would be the minimum.

And is it even necessary at all? Of course not. Some people are extremely skilled at taking stock of their life and creating the balance needed. They consciously get off the hamster wheel while staying in their busy lives. It does appear to come down to the thoughtful redistribution of  energy and having good boundaries.

Would love to hear your experiences!

Thanks for reading,

Erin

Feet. Pender Island, BC.